One of the best sexual encounters I’ve ever had was a guy named Will, a waiter at a breakfast place on Scout Morato. The first time I saw him, my heart stopped, and I wanted him. After several visits, I was able to get his phone number, but he kept putting our rendezvous off, with all sorts of excuses. Finally, I called another waiter who happened to know him. After proper introductions, Will finally agreed to meet me. We had great sex afterwards, and he was awesome, but what struck me about that encounter – and I’ll never forget this – was that he refused the money I gave, and when I tried to put it on his pocket he irritatedly said there won’t be a next time if I insist on giving him money. Will and I became friends for two years. At that time, he was having problems with his wife. While this went on, we were together. One day, he told me that things with his wife had been straightened out and that we’d not be meeting each other as much as we did. It was the kindest way of separation – the promise that we’d still see each other – but not so much. We never, ever did again, and that was the last I saw of him.
We’ve all had sex and maybe relationships with straight men, with or without money or gifts. In fact, most if not all of the guys available in spas are straight, bar a few lurking in the shadows with confused identity. They’re awesome looking, young, straight in demeanour and forced, under dire circumstances to have sex with gay men. Through the years I’ve been able to seduce a few straight men without having to pay them, either through peristence or out of the straight man’s sexual curiosity and sense of adventure. Here’s an article from the Village Voice. I’ve observed that most gay relationships in the us are gay-gay relationships. For many reasons here, most of our experiences from the beginning have been with straight men.
Here’s an excerpt of the article from the Village Voice:
By Tristan Taormino
Let’s say one of your male friends confesses: “I was at the club last night with Bob. The music was pounding, I had a few shots, and his hair just looked so good, so we made out, and I jerked him off in the bathroom.” For most people, there’s really only one response: “Dude, you’re gay.” Maybe, but maybe not. According to the Centers for Disease Control, more than three million men who self-identify as straight secretly have sex with other men. Although there’s been some mainstream dialogue about African-American men who have sex with men “on the down-low,” there hasn’t been much talk about white guys who do it. And there are plenty of them out there. Take a brief scroll through one day’s worth of “Men Seeking Men” posts on New York City’s Craigslist, and you’ll find dozens of listings like “Str8 Guy Needs Great Cocksucker” or “Handsome Masculine Married Irish Guy Seeks One or Two Hung Married Irish Buddies Who Want Head and Maybe More.” From the super-brief to the incredibly detailed, some posts offer interesting explanations:
Though I have always been hetero, I also have had a fantasy to anonymously suck cock and swallow his cum.
I am a married white male forty-six, six-one, one-ninety—a goodlooking, successful, Ivy-educated guy who finds himself in town alone this week. Not interested in changing my life in any major way, but do feel the occasional need to deal with this side of my nature.
I am married . . . looking to provide no reciprocation needed or wanted oral service for VERY masculine, verbal straight/bi/straight acting men. My clothes do not even have to come off. This is about YOUR pleasure . . . not mine.
These examples articulate some of the reasons why heterosexual men get it on with other men: for anonymous, no-strings-attached sex; to explore homoerotic desire without a gay identity or relationship; or to fulfill a fantasy, including one of dominance and submission.
“When these straight men have sex with other men, it is not about an attraction to the other man—it is about an attraction to the sex act,” says Joe Kort (joekort.com), a licensed therapist in Michigan. “When asked about what they enjoy, it is never the actual man, but instead his body parts, the sexual behavior they engage in.” Many of Kort’s clients (who are overwhelmingly white) are straight men who have sex with other men (SMSM). He’s even created Straight Guise (straightguise.com), a website dedicated to the subject. He cites dozens of explanations for SMSM behavior: “Some have been sexually abused and are compulsively re-enacting childhood sexual trauma by male perpetrators; some have sex with men because it’s easier and requires fewer social skills than those required to have sex with women; some are ‘gay for pay’; some like the attention they receive from other men; some like anal sex, which they’re otherwise too ashamed to talk about or engage in with their female partners.” He acknowledges that some of these men may be bisexual or closeted gay men, but in his experience in treating clients over an extended period, many of them are not. He believes that when it comes to sex, identity and orientation, preferences, fantasies, and behavior do not always neatly line up in one category. More often, they are complex and even contradictory.
Mike, whom I found on a personals website, is 44, married, and works on Wall Street. He has been having sex with men for four years, and says he likes the closeness and the male bonding. Plus, “It’s just less complicated than with women. We’re both there for sex, and that’s it.” John, 35, also works in finance, identifies as straight, and is dating several women. But he mostly enjoys getting blowjobs from men: “There are less emotional complications for me. Many men will do things some women will not, and many men give better oral sex. I think men will exercise their hunger for sex and not deny that they are horny more so than women. They feel comfortable sexually bonding.” Both men admit that their female partners don’t know about their behavior; in fact, their families and friends don’t know.
Unlike some psychology professionals who want to pathologize these men, treat them for sexual addiction, or “cure them” of homosexuality, Kort approaches his clients without an agenda. He also unpacks some of the cultural baggage that contributes to this phenomenon: “They are interested in the sexual contact with other men. They are working through issues of father hunger, lack of touch from other males, and the need for contact with other men on deeper levels that women enjoy with each other and men do not. Some of these men tell me they meet other men and really just want to be held and talk to the other men, but that the men they meet want it to be sexual, so they go through with it but really don’t want to. Ironically, since men are not allowed to touch—except for a pat on the butt in sports—they use the sexual realm to find ways to touch each other and receive touch.”